Kilos4Colitis 2016

Farewell Kilos4Colitis 2016! The fundraiser comes to a close with a massive $2150 being raised for Crohn’s and Colitis Canada. I’m absolutely blown away by the support I had this year. Every year this seems to follow the same pattern. Things are slow to get kicked off, and then a few challenges start trickling in, then it starts to snowball into this amazing thing and by the time it’s done I don’t want it to be over. Even more outstanding was the number of people I was able to reach out to this year. From other people with colitis messaging me on social media to meeting other people with colitis that were into weightlifting as well, and to the countless people who wanted to learn about colitis. And to a large extent it is because of the other people wearing their kilos4colitis shirts or sharing my post on their own social media outlets. This was the most successful year, and I have everyone else to thank.

The fundraiser ended with the Hokkaido Cup this past weekend. I ended up doing fairly well making 5/6 lifts and placing second in a competitive class of 9 lifters.  I only missed my last clean and jerk, which usually is my more consistent lift. My initial feeling after missing was frustration but as I walked back to the chalk bowl I saw a reaction from my coach that I do not see often. He gave me a smile and a nod, and in some type of way acknowledged the work I had put in and that I showed up to compete that day. It was then I started to realize that we had strung together a good performance. Everything seemed to have just clicked, maybe it was the competition prep cycle doing its work or maybe it was getting to warm up with a bunch of my Power Plus teammates, but it all came together.

I had a ton of support from not only the other lifters from Power Plus in the crowd, but my friends from the university also showed up, some of whom I did not expect to see. I could not have asked for a better ending to the fundraiser. People probably do not realize how much it all means to me, and how much even a quick comment of encouragement can boost my excitement. And I remember all of them, along with who said it. No small amount of support goes unnoticed, not even close. A friend recently told me how it’s a shame that we never appreciate the ‘good ol’ days’ until they are gone, but I am certain I am living mine now.

When I am old I will be blessed with memories of today. I will remember training under Larry Mather. I will remember sharing laughs with my teammates at Power Plus. I will remember my friend Justin lining up a visit to overlap with Hokkaido. I will remember walking out to the platform and seeing blue shirts across the crowd. I will remember my friends telling me I was doing something greater than I knew. I will remember my parents’ support on the worst days of having a chronic illness. You have all created these memories for me, and you have cemented a legacy in my mind. And I have no idea how to thank you.

Fall Classic

Bit of a quick turn around, but my next meet is in the books. I did not really taper my training for it and had been doing triples and clean and jerk combos the week leading up, but I had to go heavy towards the end of the week anyway. I did it along side some close friends so I knew it would be good for a laugh if nothing else. And these days, I seem to chase stories and laughs more than anything.

I ended up with another 4/6 performance, except this time it was 3/3 in the snatch and 1/3 in the clean and jerk, missing both jerks. I took a decently sized jump from a 121 opening CJ to a 128 second attempt. I don’t really care about the size of a jump in the CJ, so that’s no fault, but I do think if I had focused a bit more on my second attempt I would have been able to get it. My third attempt I had the weight over my head with a solid lockout but it was just a bit too far forward on my right side and I was not under it enough. Quite a surprise going 3/3 on the snatch. The nerves from my first meet were definitely gone but on top of that my technique and bar path felt good. And it wasn’t as if I had taken conservative attempts to get a 3/3 outcome. I went 82/87/90 where my best snatch at my previous meet was 80. Now if I can put together my snatches from Fall Classic and my clean and jerks from Gordon Kay…

After the competition had come to a close someone in the crowd had noticed my friend wearing his kilos4colitis shirt. My friend pointed him over towards me and he came to ask me about it. I explained to him the format of the fundraiser and how it was an annual thing, etc. He thought it was the coolest thing, and I mentioned to him that I’ve had colitis for 5 years now and he revealed that he has also had it 5 years. His path has been a bit more challenging than mine, but I think brighter days are ahead for him.

We continued to talk a bit more and got connected on social media before he took off, but there was one thing he said I think I will remember for a while to come. He explained to me how there was no one else in the weightlifting community doing what I was doing, or at least promoting it to the level that I am. He said it gave him hope to be competing one day too, as his challenges with his health had held him back from consistent lifting. He may not know it, but he is mentally stronger than most people he saw on the platform that day. But, all of this is the fundamentals behind kilos4colitis. This is exactly why I started and continue the fundraiser every year. I’ve said this so many times in so many ways ” … if I can let one person with colitis know it was going to be okay, I have achieved something for greater” and it’s starting to take form.

Check out the fundraiser page if you haven’t yet!

Reap What You Sow

Someone told me once that people tend to chase distractions rather than solutions. I started paying attention to it and I’d take it a step further to say that we vigorously chase distractions instead of solutions. There’s really no good reasoning behind it, so it’s a rather irrational choice once you notice it.

I think the barbell is a harsh teacher of choices and consequence. There is the obvious case of loading too much weight for a squat max out and getting stapled. Take that a step further, and have it be your third attempt at a meet and lose by a couple kg because ‘building a total’ was overlooked.  But my initial thought drifted more towards (and maybe more significantly) training. In powerlifting I had a rule of no misses on competition lifts in the gym. The point is, there’s a difference between building strength and testing strength. And testing strength goes beyond 1RMs I feel; grinding out every rep on a set of 5 doesn’t do any good except maybe teach willpower/mentality. Whenever I came to a plateau on my lifts I always went back to my training log and looked at the notes and programming. What choices did I make? Was I training stupid too often? Another aspect that may be often over looked is nutrition and recovery. Both of those are usually within one’s control, it just takes a certain amount of discipline to make good decisions (unless you are like me and adore sleeping). Anyway I’m not really qualified to be dishing out advice on any of this; I’m not a coach. Just some thoughts…

Contrary to what people may think I’ve found the most difficult choices surrounding colitis are about relationships. Friends, romantic, family, all of them. I’m never really sure how involved people want to be or should be in terms of my feelings of living with a chronic illness, along with care taking during a flare. I don’t think it’s any secret the last 2 or so years I’ve slowly excluded people from the personal side of my struggle, to a point where I am very much alone. I thought I was making the right choice, I was protecting myself. People seem to jump ship when they realize what they’ve got themselves into (perhaps rightfully so). How could I be disappointed if there was nothing to be disappointed about? Family will not be around forever, so even with them I tried to limit interaction, I reasoned I was just learning to go at it alone. And frankly I was good at carrying it all on my shoulders, I don’t give a damn what anyone says. But this isn’t completely right. Dependency is never a good thing, there is no dispute about that. But if someone is willing to lend themselves to be present during a flare or an ear to talk things out, why not let them? Just accept that at some point that they may not be willing or there anymore, and one is alone again. I think the last couple months I’ve learned the support of having someone who wants to help vastly outweighs embracing the void they may leave. Based off this, I should have more confidence in myself to do that.

I had an appointment with my gastroenterologist this morning, which was very frustrating. In all honesty, it left me with a feeling of hopelessness I have not felt in years. As I walked home I was getting myself to calm down, but when I got home I thought about what I wrote for this post last night, and what choice I was going to make here. Deal with my thoughts alone, like I have been or share them? So, I talked to my mom. Maybe I’ve been talking to myself for too long.

5 Years

I’ve always found it strange how some memories can seem so vivid, and more recent events can seem like a life time ago. It must be how I experience them. It was five years ago about now that the symptoms of colitis started. The summer is always a reminder of that, but last week or so I realized the milestone year. It’s kind of amazing how many things have happened since then, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Most folks know the story of how I was diagnosed with colitis. If you don’t, you can piece it together from older posts. But I want to take this post to reflect on the thoughts, pride, and lessons the past five years has left me with. As a disclaimer, this will be more like a journal entry than anything informative.

I remember when I was diagnosed I thought to myself it would probably be ten years before I become competent at living with the disease. But at five years down the line I have to give myself credit. I completed my undergraduate degree on time (a large portion of students with Crohn’s or colitis do not) and I’ve moved across Canada, and proven to myself I can do this independently and alone. Maybe we can throw my powerlifting accomplishments in there as well. It may not be the ten year competency I envisioned but I’d say I’m well on my way.

Looking back, it has been quite a ride. Five years down the line I’ve collected many memories already. Some of proud moments, some of good times, and some of sad times. And the thing that bothers me more than any sad memory is the lack of people I have left to share them with. The people who were part of my life during beginning are slowly leaving my life, until one day it is just me, left carrying those memories for the rest of my life with no one who truly understands them. That saddens me more than anything else these days. But it’s just another aspect to cope with and I know I will.

But all that makes me look at how I’ve dealt with disease. Strict diet this, and healthy lifestyle that, is something other people will say. But those things are the result of my reaction to being diagnosed with colitis. From the beginning I knew this was a Christopher problem, and mine alone. Many people can help in many ways, but there is certain aspects I needed to learn to cope with confidently and independently. And all of this was evident when I was learning what life was like with the disease, in my first year or so. I never had any crutches. I never did any weird drugs to escape, I never blew off steam with a bottle, and I never leaned on a girlfriend (or anyone really) for emotional support or confidence. I did this the right way.

Perhaps in ten years I’ll be writing a post about how I knew nothing at five years. But nonetheless I’ll continue to live my own way, taking it one day at a time. And that’s the thing. It never mattered how sick I got, the sun always came up the next day. Nothing could stop that. And when I realized that, I saw the beauty in it. Life moves along, if you let it.

What’s in My Gym Bag

“Take the snatch or the jerk, where you can’t see the bar and it’s taken you practice to even get to that point. That’s a different type of individual. 

As I like to say, I keep my ego, I keep my high confidence in my gym bag. It’s not something I want to settle a parking ticket with. But when I’m in the gym, the shoes come on and the gym bag opens up, a lot of that aggression is inward, that confidence is inward. 

You can display it loud if you want to, that’s fine if it works for you. But you should be able to see it in the eyes. When you see that lifter lifting, that aggression, that belief in himself or herself. You see it.

When that gym bag opens up, of course that confidence starts to shine through. You try to, when you go up to those heavy weights, you try to find that confidence within you, you try to bring that ego out of you. And for at least a moment, lift that weight like you are the baddest son of a bitch walking the planet.”

-Donny Shankle

Healthy Perspective

I had a few bumps in the road towards the end of last week. First my fridge broke on me, then shortly after my laptop stopped cooperating until it broke too. I will admit, having everything in my freezer thawing and my fridge reaching room temperature was fairly stressful. For those 24 hours it seemed like life was needlessly complicated right now, on top of trying to organize some critical experiments for school and dealing with their not so desirable results. Luckily the fridge was dealt with very quickly, only to have my laptop give me trouble literally the same day. At this point it’s broken beyond repair. But, that’s life sometimes.

I really can’t be frustrated or stressed about it all. At some point during the weekend I realized that, and said to myself, “Well, I still got my health”. The pressure of running experiments and the anxiety of not knowing what I’ll be doing the next month are things I deal with in research. The latter I feel more heavily than the former. But it feels the same as my fridge and laptop breaking on me “Well, I got my health”. I can’t stress this enough, but when my health is in order it just seems like there’s so much to appreciate. Being able to sleep through the night without waking up every hour. Being able to leave the house when I want, and having the opportunity to deal with all these things instead of being bed ridden. Anyone with a chronic illness will be able to relate to what I’m trying to describe.

I don’t think I have this great view on life or anything. And I hope it doesn’t come off as some sort of high horse statement. I do think I have a sense of how good things are, and how quickly everything can change for me. And I’d like to think my challenges (colitis or other) have given me a refined sense of modesty. I know what it feels like to be weak and frail, I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see a sunken in face and cheek bones jutting out. So when people are complimenting my current strength or looks, I try to carry that modesty.

I try to find the good in having colitis as often as I can. It changed my life, there is no doubt about that. I guess it’s up to me to determine in what way. I do say from to time to time that I am happy with the way things turned out, but I can tell no one really believes me, and pities me as if I’ve missed out on something so great. Maybe they’re right, and maybe somewhere deep down I don’t know if I believe that when I’m saying it. But the good is there. Just ask anyone who knew me before and after.